get in and hang on

knowing I need to update...but not sure where to begin.

It was this way all month long. March was hard. Wouldn't want to repeat it.

I've heard the old saying that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. And that couldn't be more true for us this month. There's a lot I can't share, but what I can say is that for as difficult as the first 3 weeks in March were, this last week has made up for them.

This was one of those times in my life where I know that God was/is growing me to be something more. It's hard, growing pains aren't easy...but necessary.

With April 20th still being the big day, most of the last month felt like a count down to how many days we had left with him. It's hard to even think about now. Everything is completely out of our control...our future with H is literally in the hands of strangers.

Kris and I basically had to come to the conclusion that we needed to be grateful for the time that we had been given with H and not be mad if we weren't given more. We weren't even guaranteed that he was going to be with us 3 months let alone 10.

We had to be thankful for what we already had. Praying for the child we love & praying for his future, but thankful that we atleast had been able to have him this long.

I think God led us to this place so that we wouldn't love the gift more than the giver. We are blessed to have this sweet baby, but we are more thankful to God that He chose to bless us with H for this time.

So talk about roller coaster, by last week everything had changed...and in our opinion for the better. Nothing is definite, we still have no control, and we know it could all change again, but we see God working.

As of right now H will atleast be with us thru his birthday in mid-May. I couldn't be more happy to know that we get to celebrate his first birthday. It just makes my heart happy.

Alot can happen between now and April 20th(all prayers appreciated) but right now my heart & mind are at peace. I don't know if it's the calm before the storm or the peace that passes all understanding...but right now it doesn't matter.

The countdown clock seems to have slowed down and for that I'm grateful...even though I am still waiting on it to break down completely :) ...one thing at a time.

theme songs

Maybe it's because I watched too many musicals as a kid. Or maybe it's because I was obsessed with this Disney songs record I had as a little girl...(yes I said record, I was 5 and records were still around. Like today's DVDs, someday my kids will say DVwhat?)
Anyways, I find that in different points in my life I seem to have theme songs. It's not like a theme song for each day, it's more like a theme song for a season or something. Mostly big moments/decisions and such seem to have a song that I obsess over while I'm in that time.

When I graduated highschool the song that was the re-occuring theme in my life was How Could I ask for More, by Cindy Morgan. I remeber feeling overwhelmed with the thought of growing up, going to college and leaving the safety of my parents house. And that I had so much to be thankful for. I listen to that song and I'm right back on the stage crying my eyes out at Senior Recital...yeah, probably not my best performance.

My senior year of college our little group of friends was obsessed with this unknown guy Matthew Perryman Jones. We all passed this burned copy of his cd around and my roommate and I just left it playing in our apartment ALL THE TIME. no seriously, we left it on repeat all day and all nite...like i said...obsessed. Kris and I even had some friends of ours play this song in our wedding. And everytime I hear Lead me to the Waters, it takes me back to that apartment with those hardwood floors and big windows that we left open all the time and me just waiting on Kris to get out of class so we could go drive around.

When we moved to Austin it was, to say the least, traumatic for my mom, sis & I. 6.5 hrs apart was not easy. It was a hard decision for kris and i and a hard move. But we knew that following God was more important than being comfortable. During this time I prayed and sang and cried to Jenny Owens, If you want me to. I heard it tonite in the car on the way home, Kris was trying to talk to me and I was completely lost in the song and the emotions that it brings back everytime.

Getting to the point...I haven't had/needed a theme song for a while. I guess you could say the last 5 years have been relatively calm, consistant, uneventful, happy. Until this last May. When we left our church home and steady job of 5 years and became foster parents all in 2 weeks. I guess you could say that for the 4-5 months leading up to this big change God was really working on my heart and the song that He gave me was Britt Nicole's Walk on Water. There's one part of the song that seemed to be asking the same questions that were swirling around in my mind:

What if I'm overtaken? What if I never make it?

What if no one's there? Will You hear my prayer?

The whole foster care licensing process was/is daunting. And at various points I just told Kris that this was too hard. They were asking for too much information and we didn't know how to get it or where to send it and couldn't they just take our word for it that we were good people and that we just wanted to take care of kids that needed a home and, and.... (Lets just say lots of tears were involved) And on top of all of that I knew that we were going to have to say goodbye to our youth kids and our church that we had grown to love and depend on for 5 years. This was our support system and I was scared and nervous about leaving it. But the chorus just echoed what I heard my husband and the Lord telling me:

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?

Your insecurities, they try to alter you.

But you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move

Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water, too

This became my heart song. It became what I sang to myself to help me take the steps I needed to take. To help me trust that this was/is the plan that God had for my life. I just needed to be faithful and rely on Him. (i learned there's a big difference in trust & rely, but that's another blog for another time)

This past Christmas a song came on the radio that made me have to stop the car and pull over. I had heard it the previous Christmas and thought it was a nice song, kinda cheezy, but good message. But it hadn't really grabbed me until this year. A Baby Changes Everything, by Faith Hill. I think I started to realize what Mary went thru being the mother of Christ. And yes, I know baby H is not the Christ child...even though he is pretty amazing. But still...I know that at this point, even though he's not ours, I wouldn't give this child up for anyone in the world.

And yet, she had to resign herself to the Lord daily knowing that this child was meant for something more than she could imagine.

That baby changed everything for her....and me.

And baby H has changed us too. changed our world. changed our dog's world...poor Harley. changed the way we see the world. changed the way people react to us. changed our conversations, changed our choices.

And I know that when the time comes, and it gets closer every day, that we have to be faced with the uncertain future of our little family, we will leave no stone unturned in order to find out how to fight for this child. Am I ready...no. Will I be ready...no. There's no way to prepare yourself for that...I've tried. We just love. At times, I almost think we're lucky because we know our future with H is uncertain and so we soak in every moment.

I don't have just one song that I've latched on to yet for this...season(for lack of a better word). When I find one I'll let you know. I guess it depends on what mood I'm in. Lately it's been a lot of Miranda Lambert...so I guess I've been in a kick butt and taking names kinda mood.

Interesting...many of the songs from my past seem to apply to our current situation. Listening to If you want me to made me realize how well those words fit on my heart, especially now. I like how God recycles things like that.

mom knows best

How is it that moms know everything? And how is it that my mom always knows what I'm gonna need before I do? It's like espn or something. ;)

This past weekend when my mom & sis were here we went shopping & running around. We were in this bookstore when mom picked up this book and started telling me how great it was. It was a daily devotional book. I've seen lots of them, I have lots of them. The small, one-page daily reads...as you can tell I was real impressed...
But mom kept on about this book, saying that each one spoke to her and it was as if God was speaking to her heart. I admit I was intrigued. She said, "If you're interested I'll buy it for you." Now, I've never been one to turn down a gift, so I said 'sure'.

Ever since we got baby H my bible studies have slowed down to a crawl. And when I have found time to sit down...either b/c the baby is asleep or entertained...I find myself getting distracted with my mental list making of things I need to get done while he's occupied....focusing isn't my strong suit. So I thought, 'yeah I'll give this little book a try.'

I have had this book since Saturday and today(wednesday) was the first day I picked it up. Let me just say...this chick packed a lot of good stuff into a little book!
Kris and I had a hard afternoon yesterday after getting an progress update from H's lawyer, and so today I opened the book needing words to calm my fears and bring rest to my crazy thoughts...and this is what I read:

Come to Me with all your weaknesses: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Rest in the comfort of My Presence, remembering that nothing is impossible with Me. Pry your mind away from your problems so you can focus your attention on Me. Recall that I am able to do immeasurably more than all you ask or imagine. Instead of trying to direct Me to do this and that, seek to attune yourself to what I am already doing. When anxiety attempts to wedge its way into your thoughts, remind yourself that I am your Shepherd. The bottom line is that I am taking care of you; therefore, you needn't be afraid of anything. Rather than trying to maintain control over your life, abandon yourself to My will. Though this may feel frightening--even dangerous, the safest place to be is in My will.

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

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...yep, not much left to say after that...Thank you Lord.

What I love...

Bear with me, I'm going to do a little bragging.

Kris did not grow up around babies or small children for that matter. He was the youngest kid in his family and for a long time the youngest grandchild. He was naturally good with kids, but any age younger than 4yrs made him nervous, and just forget about babies. He had never babysat, changed a diaper, made a bottle and definitely never let anyone or anything puke on him.

Enter baby H...

This baby has changed him. I think his insides actually turned to mush when he held H that first nite...it was all over. Kris said from that moment he knew that he was supposed to do everything in his power to protect and provide for this child.

From the very beginning this has been a team effort. There has not been a moment that we have not shared. Kris has not shied(shy-d, not sure how to spell that one) away from the mess that just comes with babies. And oh my the mess. But thank the Lord, I was not home for the first big blow-out diaper. It was all Kris...all by himself. But I got the text and laughed. Someday I hope to be able to post the video of the second big one...it was Kris' turn then too(yes we took turns) and it was greatness.

He has dressed the baby, even picking out outfits...learning that buttons go in the back.(even though I've been told that boys don't wear outfits.)

But I think my favorite thing has been watching him become a father. Not having a real solid father figure in his own childhood/teenage years I think he was concerned about the kind of father he was going to be...but let me just say...he's wonderful. It's amazing what comes naturally to mothers and fathers alike. Instinct just kicks in right when it's supposed to.

It's amazing what love does.
It's amazing what God does.

I love seeing H light up when Kris walks in the room. I love watching him love on H and kiss that little bald head. I love seeing them on the floor playing together and I love when he says "let me take him" and "where's my boy?."

Correct me if I'm wrong girls, but seeing your husband(or your boyfriend) love on and care for a baby might just be the sexiest thing a man can do...can I say sexy on a blog?

Anyways...I say all that b/c I thought there might be some soon-to-be dad's or soon-to-be foster dad's that are anxious about being a father or having doubts that they're even ready. And to that I say...you'll never be ready. If you wait until you're ready, you won't do it. Just trust that God has made you for this purpose and will give you the skills you need when you need them. You'll be wonderful. Do what comes naturally. Sleep when you can. Pray over that sweet baby. And love more everyday.

holding pattern

We are in the last 5 months of H's case. Up to this point everything has been a big hurry-up and wait. Like getting to the airport 2 hrs before your flight only to find out it's been delayed. But now things are starting to move...lot of conflicting emotions happening lately. I'm excited about the possibility of the parental rights being terminated and we can move fwd with adoption, but I(we) are also very aware of the fact that nothing is decided yet and that we still have to be chosen to be the parents of this child. Sometimes the uncertainty of it all is paralyzing....How many more months/days to we have with him? Should we start saving for his college? What happens if a distant relative shows up and wants to be considered in his permanent placement?
A couple of weeks ago it all really got to me. The count down, info overload, the complete and utter lack of control that we have in this situation...I had to take a few days and just cry about it, all of it. Good thing I have an understanding husband.

April 20th is the big date...we've been told. This is the date the parental rights will be terminated(if all goes as planned). After that we have to wait 90 days from termination until we can file for adoption...seriously? excruciating! That will be the most critical time of the entire case...and the part I'm dreading the most. From what I understand during that time we will be reviewed(again) and any family members or other parties that the parents bring to the caseworkers will also have to be reviewed & considered just like us. That's the sticky part. Now I'm sure you all understand why I had to take a few days to cry about all of this.

With having an official date to mark on the calendar it feels like the count down is on. Good or bad...not sure how I feel about it...guess it depends on what day you catch me on.

We knew going into foster care that this was not going to be easy. We've heard the scary stories and the success stories. We just have to hold on to the fact that God has a plan for this baby's life. Our prayer is that His plan includes us getting to be H's parents. Right now we are cherishing every moment, even the waking up at 4am moments....yes, we're back to waking up at night, but I don't mind. It's those sweet moments that remind me why I wanted to become a foster parent, why I'm so attached to this baby and why I was put here on this Earth.

soul searching

It goes without saying that we love this baby. The walk across glass, lay down in traffic for this person kind of love. I tried to put up a brave front for a long time and say that we were just doing it for the good of the child...which is true. But almost from the beginning, we became bonded to this child. I say almost b/c it took me about 1 week to admit to myself that I was completely attached. But after that, it was all down hill. For me this transition from young married couple(yes, I still consider ourselves to be young married's)to parents was as natural as breathing. Kris might have a little different version of our transition but he's already asleep tonite. :)
I know some people would worry that they would not love an adopted/foster child as much as they would a biological child. And I guess if you aren't familiar with the concept I can understand.

For me, I grew up with this being a natural part of family lives. We knew many families who were foster parents and even more that had adopted children. I knew from a young age that I wanted to adopt children..more than one. I remember watching those 20/20 specials when they would go into the orphanages in Romania & Russia and show all those kids packed into beds and rooms. I remember telling my mom that I wanted to adopt a child from Romania back then...I think I was 10. In fact when Kris and I were dating, we had the typical discussion of how many kids do you want someday, and so on. I informed him that I was going to adopt and if that wasn't ok with him then maybe we shouldn't continue dating...ha!

I think this is something that God had stamped on my heart from an early age. I'm not sure why...but I do believe all those influences helped me be ok with not having biological children first/or right now/or maybe not at all.

Maybe that's why.

And...or maybe it's because this child at this time needed a good home, and that home needed to be mine. And that's perfectly fine with me.

I feel like I've known about him and loved him forever. And truthfully, I have. I've loved this baby since I was 10. And...I guess I just answered my own why.

a common theme

Before baby H came into our lives, our only child was our black pug, Harley. Pugs are people pleasers and are known for having curious little expressions when you talk to them. Harley tilts his head and just stares at you like he's listening intently and knows exactly what I'm saying to him.

That's the way people look at us when they first find out we're foster parents. It's funny once you know what to look for. Most everyone will tilt their head and then touch their hand their chest and say, "oh that's so great. Good for you." Then their next sentence is always one of the following:

"I could never be a foster parent. It would be too hard on me, I'd never be able to let them go."
"I would love to be a foster parent, but what if you get a kid that has...issues? I just couldn't handle that."

Our answer to the first statement is this: It's not about I/me/you/us.
We had to decide that this is not about us. This is about doing what is best for the child. It's about giving them a safe place to land for however long they need it. It's about pouring Jesus into their lives, b/c they might not have that opportunity again.
Kris is alot better about this than I am. Especially in the beginning, I was constantly reminding myself that this was not about me, it's about baby H. He needs to bond, he needs to learn to cry, he needs consistancy, he needs love. But I wanted it to be about me so bad, I wanted everyone to know that our home was the best place for him. Is it hard?...absolutely. Do you get attached?...how can you not. If you are going to love these kids the way they should be loved, then attachment is inevitable.

Our answer to the second statement usually looks something like this:
Isn't that the point? I mean, we are not guaranteed that our own biological child would be born without problems or issues. Why should this child be rejected based on something he/she had no control of? Someone has to be the person brave enough to say, "Enough! I will help you no matter what you're going thru." ...isn't that a picture of what God did for us anyways?

My friend Joan did exactly this. She took in an older child(7+ is considered an older child) that had been bounced around from home to home. Labled as too hard, moody and difficult. She made the decision that no matter what this child would not see another foster home, except for hers, until he was adopted. It was hard, and sometimes I know she thought she had made a mistake. But slowly this child opened up and became a different kid. He needed someone who would stay and not push him away. He needed someone who would set the boundaries and not give in. He needed someone to love him no matter what and teach him how to be loved. He needed someone to get him ready for his forever home. And when he was ready, he was adopted. Yeah, Joan's a rockstar.

Somewhere along the line, those fears went away. I'm not sure when or how, but I came to a point where they just didn't matter anymore. I knew that what was more important was that the child in my house was loved, safe and being cared for better than he/she had been cared for previously.

Sometimes that old fear still creeps in...that one day this baby, that we have loved for 7 of his 8 months of life, won't be with us.

Sometimes that fear is paralizing.

But if I let it over take me, then I wouldn't be doing my job as his foster mom.

Even as I write the last sentence, I had to stop and re-read it to make sure it was me saying it... Sometimes I feel my brain says things that my heart just doesn't believe yet...just add that to the list of things I'm working on.