A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it.
Frank A. Clark
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Our family

Our family
October 2011

Thursday, March 31, 2011

get in and hang on

knowing I need to update...but not sure where to begin.

It was this way all month long. March was hard. Wouldn't want to repeat it.

I've heard the old saying that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. And that couldn't be more true for us this month. There's a lot I can't share, but what I can say is that for as difficult as the first 3 weeks in March were, this last week has made up for them.

This was one of those times in my life where I know that God was/is growing me to be something more. It's hard, growing pains aren't easy...but necessary.

With April 20th still being the big day, most of the last month felt like a count down to how many days we had left with him. It's hard to even think about now. Everything is completely out of our control...our future with H is literally in the hands of strangers.

Kris and I basically had to come to the conclusion that we needed to be grateful for the time that we had been given with H and not be mad if we weren't given more. We weren't even guaranteed that he was going to be with us 3 months let alone 10.

We had to be thankful for what we already had. Praying for the child we love & praying for his future, but thankful that we atleast had been able to have him this long.

I think God led us to this place so that we wouldn't love the gift more than the giver. We are blessed to have this sweet baby, but we are more thankful to God that He chose to bless us with H for this time.

So talk about roller coaster, by last week everything had changed...and in our opinion for the better. Nothing is definite, we still have no control, and we know it could all change again, but we see God working.

As of right now H will atleast be with us thru his birthday in mid-May. I couldn't be more happy to know that we get to celebrate his first birthday. It just makes my heart happy.

Alot can happen between now and April 20th(all prayers appreciated) but right now my heart & mind are at peace. I don't know if it's the calm before the storm or the peace that passes all understanding...but right now it doesn't matter.

The countdown clock seems to have slowed down and for that I'm grateful...even though I am still waiting on it to break down completely :) ...one thing at a time.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

theme songs

Maybe it's because I watched too many musicals as a kid. Or maybe it's because I was obsessed with this Disney songs record I had as a little girl...(yes I said record, I was 5 and records were still around. Like today's DVDs, someday my kids will say DVwhat?)
Anyways, I find that in different points in my life I seem to have theme songs. It's not like a theme song for each day, it's more like a theme song for a season or something. Mostly big moments/decisions and such seem to have a song that I obsess over while I'm in that time.

When I graduated highschool the song that was the re-occuring theme in my life was How Could I ask for More, by Cindy Morgan. I remeber feeling overwhelmed with the thought of growing up, going to college and leaving the safety of my parents house. And that I had so much to be thankful for. I listen to that song and I'm right back on the stage crying my eyes out at Senior Recital...yeah, probably not my best performance.

My senior year of college our little group of friends was obsessed with this unknown guy Matthew Perryman Jones. We all passed this burned copy of his cd around and my roommate and I just left it playing in our apartment ALL THE TIME. no seriously, we left it on repeat all day and all nite...like i said...obsessed. Kris and I even had some friends of ours play this song in our wedding. And everytime I hear Lead me to the Waters, it takes me back to that apartment with those hardwood floors and big windows that we left open all the time and me just waiting on Kris to get out of class so we could go drive around.

When we moved to Austin it was, to say the least, traumatic for my mom, sis & I. 6.5 hrs apart was not easy. It was a hard decision for kris and i and a hard move. But we knew that following God was more important than being comfortable. During this time I prayed and sang and cried to Jenny Owens, If you want me to. I heard it tonite in the car on the way home, Kris was trying to talk to me and I was completely lost in the song and the emotions that it brings back everytime.

Getting to the point...I haven't had/needed a theme song for a while. I guess you could say the last 5 years have been relatively calm, consistant, uneventful, happy. Until this last May. When we left our church home and steady job of 5 years and became foster parents all in 2 weeks. I guess you could say that for the 4-5 months leading up to this big change God was really working on my heart and the song that He gave me was Britt Nicole's Walk on Water. There's one part of the song that seemed to be asking the same questions that were swirling around in my mind:

What if I'm overtaken? What if I never make it?
What if no one's there? Will You hear my prayer?

The whole foster care licensing process was/is daunting. And at various points I just told Kris that this was too hard. They were asking for too much information and we didn't know how to get it or where to send it and couldn't they just take our word for it that we were good people and that we just wanted to take care of kids that needed a home and, and.... (Lets just say lots of tears were involved) And on top of all of that I knew that we were going to have to say goodbye to our youth kids and our church that we had grown to love and depend on for 5 years. This was our support system and I was scared and nervous about leaving it. But the chorus just echoed what I heard my husband and the Lord telling me:

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities, they try to alter you.
But you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water, too

This became my heart song. It became what I sang to myself to help me take the steps I needed to take. To help me trust that this was/is the plan that God had for my life. I just needed to be faithful and rely on Him. (i learned there's a big difference in trust & rely, but that's another blog for another time)

This past Christmas a song came on the radio that made me have to stop the car and pull over. I had heard it the previous Christmas and thought it was a nice song, kinda cheezy, but good message. But it hadn't really grabbed me until this year. A Baby Changes Everything, by Faith Hill. I think I started to realize what Mary went thru being the mother of Christ. And yes, I know baby H is not the Christ child...even though he is pretty amazing. But still...I know that at this point, even though he's not ours, I wouldn't give this child up for anyone in the world.
And yet, she had to resign herself to the Lord daily knowing that this child was meant for something more than she could imagine.

That baby changed everything for her....and me.

And baby H has changed us too. changed our world. changed our dog's world...poor Harley. changed the way we see the world. changed the way people react to us. changed our conversations, changed our choices.

And I know that when the time comes, and it gets closer every day, that we have to be faced with the uncertain future of our little family, we will leave no stone unturned in order to find out how to fight for this child. Am I ready...no. Will I be ready...no. There's no way to prepare yourself for that...I've tried. We just love. At times, I almost think we're lucky because we know our future with H is uncertain and so we soak in every moment.

I don't have just one song that I've latched on to yet for this...season(for lack of a better word). When I find one I'll let you know. I guess it depends on what mood I'm in. Lately it's been a lot of Miranda Lambert...so I guess I've been in a kick butt and taking names kinda mood.
Interesting...many of the songs from my past seem to apply to our current situation. Listening to If you want me to made me realize how well those words fit on my heart, especially now. I like how God recycles things like that.