We finally got all our Christmas stuff out of the attic. We've been debating what to do with the tree now that we have a full-blown toddler on our hands...especially a toddler that sees anything round-ish as a ball and proceeds to throw it. We had the thought that maybe if he helped put things on the tree and we praised him for leaving them there that maybe that would help...we'll see how this goes. I'll keep you posted.
When we took Christmas down last year it was...heavy for me. That's the only word I can use to describe it. As I packed away his 'Baby's first Christmas' ornament, his picture with Santa and other things I couldn't help but feel that finding these things again the next year would either be fun and joyful, or emotional and hard.
It was the not knowing that weighed me down...the complete and utter vacant future...atleast what I thought looked vacant.
Even though I knew Who held my tomorrows, and I knew that same Being had led us to foster care for the good of the children not necessarily for the good of Kris & Karis...it's the trusting that HIS plan is greater than mine that I hadn't quite grasped yet. What if's consumed my thoughts and paralyzed my actions. I remember living moment to moment...breathing in every second with him...knowing that next Christmas would be completely different, with or without him.
So this year there was one thing that I had to find in those boxes of stuff. The one thing that was my favorite thing from last year, the thing I had thought about all of this year. The one thing that we had made last year that I had the hardest time packing away and the one thing that I knew would be the hardest to unpack if he wasn't with us this year.
his little hand print.
It's still emotional for me to think about. But that little chubby hand print, frozen in time in that white plaster stuff was the first thing I had to find this year. We had all made it together. It took both of us to hold him still and press that little hand into the goo. The first time he giggled and curled his hand into a fist, so we had to smooth it out and start over. I carved his name and the date on the side. And when it dried we tied a festive ribbon thru it and added a bell and hung in on the mantle.
My favorite thing.
More than my nativity.
More than my super cool star tree topper.
More than my Waterford Crystal ornament.
I took it out and showed it to Hank. He sat in my lap and put his hand over the mold and I told him how we made it. I'm not sure he really grasped the concept, but I think he knew it was special.
Every Christmas this will be a sweet and simple reminder of how small my plans are and how BIG my God is.
Thank you Lord for this baby and for Your baby who came to save the world. Your plans are so much better than mine.