beating the odds

So, as we enter into the final phases of the adoption process...which moves way slower than you would like, so just pack your patience...we were given three huge stacks of paper.

His file.

This file contains every scrap of information that has been said, written or investigated on behalf of this child or his case. Seriously, 3 mountains of information...and he's only been in foster care for a year. Just imagine the file of a child who has been in the system for a while.

Everyone had told us to prepare ourselves for what we would read in the file. Parent's history, family history...the good, bad and the ugly. It was never a question of if we were going to read it, but I guess the question was more "do we want to know?"

Do we want to know all the little details?
Do we want to know what happened before he was our baby?
Will this change our view of his parents?

I was prepared for the details. But what I wasn't prepared for was how close we came to losing him.

As we read through and touched every piece of paper we discovered many extended family members had been contacted, several had expressed interest in baby H...my baby.
A few even said they wanted him placed in their home.
One was listed as the best option.

We weren't even considered.

I started getting anxious just reading through all the emails and phone records and realizing how close we came...how he could have been taken so early on.

And then you start seeing God move.

It was like I could read it in the file. Some of the families were not approved. Some lost interest, some stopped returning phone calls. And then just in May the family that had been listed as the best option took their name off the list.

It was hard to read, even though I knew how it ended. Knowing how hard it was for us, and how we cried and prayed and agonized over our uncertain future with this baby...and now reading what was happening on the other side as well...just makes me even more grateful, more thankful, more humbled.

We have already been asked what we're gonna do with the file. Are we going to keep it? The whole thing? Will we tell him what's in it, or let him read it for himself?

And the answer to those questions is I dont' know.
I mean, yes we will keep it. I think I'll weed out some of the non-sense. There is a lot of jargon and randomness in it as well...but maybe not.

I'm kinda a cross that bridge when I get there kind of girl.
While I think it's important for him to know where he came from, I also think it's important that it not come from us. I want him to someday read it for himself. Come to conclusions the same way we did...by reading the facts.

I want him to know how much he was/is wanted...by so many people. I also want him to read how God orchestrated the whole thing. I think it will be a beautiful picture of Jeremiah 29:11 for him someday.

As we get closer to our final adoption date I become more and more humbled that we were chosen to be this baby's parents.

There are many times of the day I find myself at a loss for words.
In awe of God's wisdom and timing.
So thankful for this gift, but even more thankful for the Giver.

90 days

Today begins the process that we have been waiting for...for over a year.

I think I would have adopted you the first nite if they had let me. But alas, we had a year of growing, learning and praying to do to arrive at this day.

All the fears of this last year have melted. They are now memories of growth, prayers, tears and learning to enjoy the moments.

We arrive gratefully, humbly & joyfully.

We are grateful that we were chosen to be your parents. Literally chosen. Chosen by God and chosen by a team of CPS workers. *big sigh of relief*

We are grateful & humbled that we were chosen to walk through this emotional, trying, challenging and spirit-growing last year. And we would do it all over again because you are worth it...every bit.

We are humbled everyday that the grace of God allows us to be apart of the big plans He has for your life. You are going to do some amazing things, I can feel it.

We are so joyful.
Just overwhelmingly joyful.
Happy beyond words.
Thank you Lord.

"The Lord has done great things for us, and our hearts are filled with Joy." Psalm 126:3

June 11, 2010

There are days in our lives that we just never forget.
Wedding day
graduation day
days with grandparents
and for some people the birth of their children.

But for us, it it's a little different. We weren't there when you were born. While your birth day is so important b/c without it we wouldn't have you...the day I'll always hold close to my heart is the day you came into our lives.

One year ago today you arrived.
4pm, tiny & asleep.
We were scared, excited and scared.

I remember that afternoon & evening like it was in slow motion and one big blur all at the same time. From the phone call to them bringing you to our door....It was surreal, like a dream. What size diapers do 28 day-old baby's wear? How much of a bottle should he take? The poor social workers were younger than we were...they didn't know either. Lots of phone calls...mom, help.

That first week, I remember being afraid to love you too much. Knowing that any day they could call and come pick you up. I would kiss your little feet, your little hands and the top of your little head...but for some reason I couldn't kiss your little face. It somehow felt too personal...too motherly. I think that lasted about 3 days, and I caved. I realized that it didn't matter how I felt. You deserved, needed & craved love. 110% love. Holding back because I was afraid of myself getting hurt was doing you a disservice. You needed a mother right then, not when I felt it was ok.

A year ago if someone had asked me if we were prepared to have an infant at our house, I would have said no. We wanted one, but didn't think we were actually ready.
Funny how I now realize that this role is something I have been preparing for my whole life...unknowingly, innate, instinctive.

I always make a wish before I blow out my birthday candles, just silly, never expecting it to actually come true. When I turned 30 I wished that I could become a mother before my 31st birthday. My wish came true. You made me a mother.

You are my wish, my prayer, my hope.
You are fearfully & wonderfully made.
You are a blessing & a joy.
A dream come true.

Grateful that we have been chosen to be your parents.
Thankful for the last year, hopeful for 100 more.

One singular sensation

...every little step he takes...

Happy birthday to my little love.

In not quite a year you have completely rocked our world and given me the best on-the-job-training I've ever had.

Busy doesn't seem to adequately describe you...hell-bent would be a better description, but I know my mom wouldn't appreciate me saying hell in a blog so we'll just call you determined.

You laugh, alot. You smile, alot. You eat, alot. You are ALL BOY!
You chatter.
You sing when you get sleepy and you clap your hands when you're proud of yourself.

You are joyful.

You love bathtime. You love Harley. You love music. You love books.
You love your dada.
You love to snuggle. You love faces. You are affectionate.

You are opinionated.
You are curious.
You are messy.
You are funny.

Because of you I have learned:
how to fight the good fight.
how to live; faith, hope & love simultaneously.
.............that faith is more than just belief, it's a call to action
.............to hold out hope against all odds
.............that love never fails, even on the unloveable.
that love is a choice. not always the easy choice, but the necessary choice.
that God hears my prayers.


You are more than we could have asked for or imagined.

We couldn't be more happy to be your parents for this time in your life. Reminds me of my favorite story..."for you have come to this position for such a time as this."(karis paraphrase) Even if it was just for this year, you are/have been a joy & a blessing.

Praying for forever, but grateful for the now.

For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has granted my request.
~happy birthday my little love.

Love Wins.

Everyday i learn that when it comes to this whole process of foster care & adoption there's really no set playbook. No one can say 'this is what happens everytime & this is what happens next' b/c every case is different. It's all just speculation and assumption of what has happened before...

ha! kinda like life i guess.

all that to say, decisions were made today at the mediation, some decisions were good for us...but most of the decisions just result in more waiting on our part. tomorrow's trial will just be a formality of paperwork, unfortunately.

In a perfect world, every party involved in the mediation today would have agreed that we are the absolute best choice for this child. That plan would be taken to court tomorrow, the judge would think it was a great plan, bang the gavel & dismiss court...cut, print, end of story & we all live happily ever after.

But I guess my version is a little too pie-in-the-sky for real life.

In real life there's a lot of red tape.
In real life they like to exhaust all other possibilities.
In real life not everything goes as planned the first time around.
In real life you have to listen to a lot of other opinions that don't make much sense.

disappointed, yes.
pressed, but not crushed.

Hopeful, always.

We have to hold out hope that love wins.
Love always protects
Love always trusts
Love always hopes
Love always perseveres
Love never fails.

it doesn't say that love always gets its way. but i refuse to doubt that love isn't the right decision.

...like a polaroid picture

Tonite was one of those nites that you know you'll remember forever. It wasn't a special occasion and nothing particularly unusual happened. It was just one of those times where you catch yourself in a moment and you realize...something.

My mind is like a polaroid sometimes.

Like the first time I realized that I was in love with Kris. I mean for real in love...not just I really-really like you. I can replay it in my mind and remember everything down to what I was wearing(including the shoes).

It was a perfect spring Sunday afternoon, we were driving w/the windows down...of course, b/c it's oh so much more romantic than if I said and 'we were driving w/the a.c. on'...but seriously, I remember looking over at him as he was driving and it just hit me...THIS IS IT, HE'S THE ONE...and then I laughed out loud.
For some reason I found realizing that this was the real deal amusing. He then asked what I was laughing about and of course I said "nothing".
I knew at that moment that I didn't want to go anywhere or be anywhere if he wasn't going with me. I wanted to ride in the car forever with him...in the passenger seat. (b/c everyone knows the passenger controls the radio)

Tonite was like that...but in a different way. This was the first time I realized(or let myself realize) that this could be it forever.
Soon it could be the 3 of us...

Yep, filing that polaroid away.

I think for the past 10 months we have hoped for the future, but never let ourselves think of or dream about the future. I think tonite was the first time I felt free enough to let myself dream about the possibility...possibilities.

a lefty?
1st baseman?
When do you start T-ball?
and play the drums.
or the guitar.
another musician in the family would be so much fun.

I almost hate to post this one b/c I don't want to jinx anything...b/c I know that just b/c something has potential perform a certain way doesn't mean that it always lives up to it.

But I can't help but think that fostering love would also be fostering hope.

And my hope is in the Lord and He has has already done immeasurably more than all I could ask or imagine, so right now I'm letting my imagination run wild. The possibilities are endless and the potential is good...I won't say great, yet...but good.

Fostering Hope...i like the sound of that.

get in and hang on

knowing I need to update...but not sure where to begin.

It was this way all month long. March was hard. Wouldn't want to repeat it.

I've heard the old saying that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. And that couldn't be more true for us this month. There's a lot I can't share, but what I can say is that for as difficult as the first 3 weeks in March were, this last week has made up for them.

This was one of those times in my life where I know that God was/is growing me to be something more. It's hard, growing pains aren't easy...but necessary.

With April 20th still being the big day, most of the last month felt like a count down to how many days we had left with him. It's hard to even think about now. Everything is completely out of our control...our future with H is literally in the hands of strangers.

Kris and I basically had to come to the conclusion that we needed to be grateful for the time that we had been given with H and not be mad if we weren't given more. We weren't even guaranteed that he was going to be with us 3 months let alone 10.

We had to be thankful for what we already had. Praying for the child we love & praying for his future, but thankful that we atleast had been able to have him this long.

I think God led us to this place so that we wouldn't love the gift more than the giver. We are blessed to have this sweet baby, but we are more thankful to God that He chose to bless us with H for this time.

So talk about roller coaster, by last week everything had changed...and in our opinion for the better. Nothing is definite, we still have no control, and we know it could all change again, but we see God working.

As of right now H will atleast be with us thru his birthday in mid-May. I couldn't be more happy to know that we get to celebrate his first birthday. It just makes my heart happy.

Alot can happen between now and April 20th(all prayers appreciated) but right now my heart & mind are at peace. I don't know if it's the calm before the storm or the peace that passes all understanding...but right now it doesn't matter.

The countdown clock seems to have slowed down and for that I'm grateful...even though I am still waiting on it to break down completely :) ...one thing at a time.